I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
