from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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