Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
