Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
