My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
