I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
