Farmville is her only friend.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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