Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
