You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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