you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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