Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
