Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
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test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
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We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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