Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
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Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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