My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
