I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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