the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
