her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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