i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
