im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Randomize
