I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Sober January is a disaster.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
