Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
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