and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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