How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
