what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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