I can text with my tongue
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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