Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
