hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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