your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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