You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
