He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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