Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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