please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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