Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
the condom got lost in my hair
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
