i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize