Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
