I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
