Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
