every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
