i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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