I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
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She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
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Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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