just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
This toilet bowl is my home.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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