Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm getting married
To pizza
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
