hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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