I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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