Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
