Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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