but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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