Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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