During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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