yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
