Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
