I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
