Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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