Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
