my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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