Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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