If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
