i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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