so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
