i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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